The Mortgage

"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine...then...First lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and President Clinton it is.

"So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, 4-something acres, as I recall. That's $2.2 million, and, with the customary 20 percent down - that's $440,000 - that leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do these kinds of deals all the time. Now, let's just have a look at your financial statements.

"Let's see. Pres. Clinton, you are the current President of the United States, of course, and your salary is...oh, dear...it's only $200,000 a year. We usually recommend buying a house that costs no more than two-and-a-half times your annual salary. That means you should really be looking for something around $500,000...perhaps, a nice brick rancher on a quarter of
an acre...and, in not too fancy a neighborhood."

"Oh...I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. Have you decided what you will do then? I see... you want to open a library. And, in Little Rock, Arkansas. Wow! I bet that will be some kind of money-maker."

"First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, you're running for the Senate now, right? Let's see.... Senators are paid $130,000 a year - assuming, of course, that you get elected. So, if you get elected...and even with your pension income, you two should still be looking for a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe...a nice center hall colonial where the schools aren't so good."

"Oh...Mrs. Clinton...may I call you Mrs. Clinton? Thanks! It looks like you haven't worked outside the home since 1991. But, you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? Oh...I see...so it pretty much flopped, in other words."

"But, I see here that you had several business ventures back in Arkansas.  How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? Oh, it went bankrupt. And, Madison Guaranty? Oh, Bankrupt. And, Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too! You know, if you had just gone to Yale Business School instead of Yale Law, you could probably get your tuition money back." Now, don't get so upset. It was just a little joke."

"A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail? Maybe, you could get your money back. This is an embarrassing question, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Well, that's fine."

"Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Well...that's not bad. Yes, yes, President Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock.

Oh...but, look here...these are big liabilities! You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole before you even buy a house. So, just how do you expect to pay that off? Oh...you're hoping people will donate the money to your special fund. So, basically, what you're saying is that you're relying on the charity of strangers? Hmmmm...Isee."

"I see here that you also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 or $35,000 a year. Probably more with the air fares to go back and forth. And, she wants to go to medical school? Ouch! That's going to be really expensive."

"President Clinton....there's a mention here of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work in the future."

"Say, now...how do we know you're not lying on your loan application?  Well...good point. The application would sure look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters that we should know about?"

"You say you're in the clear, President Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear...indictment-wise. What does that really mean? You don't think...don't think...that she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But, we're not totally sure at this point, right? That means that there's the remote possibility - I said 'remote' - that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while she's making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds and you're trying to make a go of your library in Little Rock."

"So, let's just review this situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whoppin' big debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay...sometime.

You have a financial history that can only...with great charity...be described as 'checkered'... plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. And, your tangible assets seem to consist mostly of one old Ford."

"Well...it looks like I have everything I need here. Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of home-owners. I'm pleased to tell your application is approved. You've got your mortgage!"